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Free to just be.

{Image by Cati}

It’s nine o’clock in the morning. The usual mad pre-work rush has been removed, all that exists in its place now is silence. I am sitting on the lounge with my coffee, smiling. I wonder why I didn’t do this sooner, why I waited years to listen to my heart. It cried out many a time, begging me to just stop. 

I remember a time when I couldn’t imagine being at home instead of working. I used to think I’d be bored at home, what would I do with any spare time? I didn’t crave time to be creative, I didn’t crave silence without a phone ringing or questions being asked or a mountain of responsibilities to be completed. I used to love keeping busy, and I now know why.

In the midst of my anxiety driven state that resulted from two traumatic events in my family in a span of nine months, I didn’t much like my thoughts. I didn’t enjoy being still, fearful that the thoughts would intrude and I’d have to relive them again and again. So I kept busy. I filled tasks into every minute of my day. If I wasn’t sleeping, I was moving. I stopped reading (and I have always loved reading) as my thoughts would distract my head the second I sat down and opened a book. I didn’t walk without my ipod, music drowning out the silence in my head that would inevitably be filled with “those thoughts”. Busy worked well for me, it was my saviour…until busy nearly killed me. 

At some point, no matter who you are, you need rest. Peace and quiet. Time to rejuvenate. This dawned on me after years of non-stop rushing about when exhaustion started to lodge its wretched claws into my soul. When the sadness and those thoughts finally managed to squeeze themselves into any space that freed up in my mind, I realised I had to confront them. Years and years of therapy and some seriously hard work, I am there. I can now sit and just “be”. And boy it feels good. To be able to meditate without constantly thinking of what I should be doing is a very welcome state. But it hasn’t been easy, and it is a lifelong commitment to keep the mind in its current state.

As I sit here at nine am without agenda, without any responsibility aside from picking up my child at three pm, I smile. “Those thoughts” are now a distant memory, occasionally rearing their sad faces on the days they need to. I deal with them, they move on. But mostly I am happy. I have lived through the bad times and I survived. What gives me most satisfaction is knowing that although I fought the pain for too long, I did eventually face it. And I overcame it. It brings me comfort knowing that although I had no control over the events that brought me here, the power to deal with them was all mine.

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  • Alicia@Alicias moments of gratitude - So beautifully written and very much how I feel. I have been going full pelt of late, trying to get so kanyn”things” done. Illness has taken over, my bodies way of making me slow down.mshould have one it earlier.
    Big hugs to you and your new endevours in life,MIT sounds like you have taken the best pathway for yourself xxReplyCancel

    • Peggy Saas - Thank you Alicia, I am enjoying the path in front of me so far. :)

      Our bodies have a fine way of telling us when to slow down. I hope you get some rest and feel better soon. xoReplyCancel

  • Laura - Beautiful Peggy, just beautiful. I can’t even imagine right now what it feels like to sit and just “be” and be okay with that. I hope someday I’ll be able to do that too. For me, it’s not about outrunning the thoughts I don’t want to hear, it’s about outrunning the autoimmune disease that constantly tries to shut me down. If I stop, I don’t know if i can start up again, it takes less energy to just keep going. But i think its becoming a bad habit.ReplyCancel

    • Peggy Saas - I understand what you mean by becoming habit, I think by nature we attach ourselves to what works at the time. While keeping busy worked for me for many years I did eventually crave the peace that comes with being able to just sit and be.

      Thank you Laura, I hope you can find a happy medium that works for the mind and doesn’t take up too much energy.ReplyCancel

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